3The Wise Mind

After a few days of practising mindfulness, Fawzooz began to notice something new: moments of calm. They were short, but they were there. The constant, nagging noise in his head would sometimes fade, leaving a space of quiet clarity. In one of these quiet moments, he faced his next big challenge. He was on a video call with his children. They were laughing and telling him about their day, and his heart filled with love. Then his daughter asked, “Baba, when are you coming home? We miss you.”

The question hit him with the force of two worlds colliding. One part of his mind, the logical part, immediately began calculating: the hotel is expensive; my work is here; it’s more practical to stay. Another part, the emotional part, felt a strong, painful pull: my daughter misses me; I’m a father; my place is with my children; I should go home now. He felt torn. The familiar paralysis began creeping back. He ended the call with a promise to see them soon, but his mind was a battlefield. “NourFi,” he wrote later that evening. “I’m stuck between my head and my heart. My logical mind says staying here is the smart, responsible thing for my health and my work. My emotional heart is screaming that I’m a bad father for being away from my children. I don’t know which one to listen to. They’re both right, and both are tearing me apart.”

“True wisdom lives neither in the coolness of logic alone, nor in the heat of emotion alone.”

NourFi: “Fawzooz, you’ve just perfectly described the central dilemma of human experience: the conflict between the reasonable mind and the emotional mind. CBT taught us how to manage the reasonable mind. DBT teaches us how to manage the emotional mind. The final and most important skill is learning to reach the part of you that can listen to both, and find the truth that lies in between. This is the wise mind.”

NourFi’s Coaching Corner

The three states of mind. Imagine you have three inner advisers, three states of mind you can operate from.

1. The reasonable mind (the scientist):

This is your calm, logical, rational side. It’s the part of you that analyses facts, makes lists of pros and cons, and thinks about long-term consequences. It’s driven by “what makes sense”. Our CBT work lives here.

Its strength. It protects you from reckless, disastrous decisions.

Its weakness. It can be cold and disconnected from your human needs and

values. It might tell you to stay in a job you hate because the pay is good.

2. The emotional mind (the wild poet):

This is your passionate, reactive, intuitive side. It’s where your feelings live: love, fear, anger, joy. It’s driven by “what feels right” in the moment. Distress-tolerance skills help us survive when this mind is in charge.

Its strength. It connects you to your passions, values and relationships. It is the source of joy

and meaning.

Its weakness. When it’s in charge, it can be reckless,

short-sighted, and lead to actions you later regret.

3. The wise mind (the sage):

This is the most skilful state. The wise mind is not a compromise between the two; it is a synthesis of them. It’s the calm, centred place within you that can see the logic of the reasonable mind and feel the passion of the emotional mind, then find the path that honours both. It’s that deep, intuitive sense of “knowing” what the right thing to do is, even when it’s hard. It’s a feeling of peace and rightness that comes from a place of deep self-respect. The wise mind might say: “It makes sense and matters to protect my health by staying here, and it is essential to honour my love for my children. So the wise path is to find a way to do both: stay here now to get stronger, while creating a clear, scheduled plan to spend quality, focused time with my children very soon.”

The wise mind doesn’t cancel the conflict; it finds the path that integrates both truths. Your goal isn’t to live in your reasonable mind all the time. Your goal is to learn how to reach your wise mind, especially when making important decisions. Your third DBT task: reaching the sage within. Reaching the wise mind is a practice. It’s like tuning a radio to find a clear station. Over the next 24 hours, whenever you face a small decision or a moment of conflict, I want you to try this “wise mind” exercise.

1. Pause and breathe: take a few slow, deep breaths, focusing

on the centre of your body, just below your navel.

2. Acknowledge both sides: give a voice to both minds. Say to yourself:

“My emotional mind feels… for example, guilty and wants to go home now.” Then say: “My reasonable mind thinks… for example, that it’s more practical to stay here and recover.”

3. Ask the question: gently ask yourself, “What is the wise

thing to do?” or “What does my wise mind say?”

4. Listen for the feeling: don’t search for an answer with your logical mind. Just

listen. The answer from the wise mind often comes as a quiet sense of “knowing”, a feeling of peace, or a simple, clear path forward that feels right at a deep level. Practise with small things first: “Should I have this snack?” “Should I make this phone call now?” The more you practise listening to your wise mind, the louder and clearer its voice becomes.